I have gotten back in touch with my cousin last year after not having any contact at all for 13 years. i felt that i was falling for him, but i wasn't exactly sure if he was feeling the same way for me...so i tried to find someone else, to latch on to, hopefully fall for and let my cousin go. and i found Nicholas. he is EVERYTHING that i could want in a boyfriend, but there's only one problem...i can't seem to fall in love with him. because my heart belongs to my cousin. i told my cousin about Nicholas, he was very upset...but i didn't expect him to be so upset. me and Nicholas was about to go on our 3rd date, and i knew that this was going to be extremely important because i knew Nicholas was going to ask me to be his girlfriend, but i didn't know what to do! then the night before our date, my cousin says "can i tell you something? without you taking it too seriously?" and i said "okay?...I'll try" and he says "I'm falling for you."
my cousin told me to get with Nicholas, because Nicholas was a nice guy, and overall he wanted me to be happy...so i accepted Nicholas' relationship proposal, and my cousin went crazy. he was very upset...my cousin has been hurt many times before, and he has a good sweet tender heart. (BTW, i live in Texas, and my cousin lives in NY...so it makes our predicament even more so difficult). that night, we stayed up all night talking on the phone, then texting each other poetry to help soothe the pain. my cousin has such a way with words, and i also like to write poetry for a hobby. my poem that i wrote to my cousin as a reasons to the poem he written me:
"I loved the flower that did grow
The beauty of it too complicated to show
the ache we feel as we pluck the petals one by one
Is all too great, but needs to be done
His honest sweet eyes of the darkest brown
Could never meet my own, instead look down
His lips in which only my imagination would kiss
Are of the softest pink, too tender to not miss
Stand back and watch as our flower gives in
To it's own creator's hands...such a sin
In this soil, in this spot, in this life it wasn't meant to be...
No matter how beautiful you can be."
but anyhow...with the guilt and confusion i felt afterwards, i came to a moment of realization: i can't handle a relationship right now. so the very next day i told Nicholas that i couldn't be with him...that i had to figure some stuff out. and that i couldn't tell him because it was a "private family matter" (i still think it's pretty funny, at least i didn't lie to the guy! lol)
i finally came out to my sister (me and my sister are very close) and she believes that i should completely disconnect from my cousin and don't lose Nicholas since he's such a great guy. She has been praying for me to have the wisdom to make the right decision, and the willpower to go through with it...meaning, she is praying that i will abandon my feelings for my cousin.
so my heart rests in the hands of my cousin, and although i may love Nicholas, i can never be IN-LOVE with him as long as that fact remains. what should i do? and it's not like it's easy to just pursue a relationship with my cousin since he lives all the way in New York and has no intentions of moving down here since he has so many obligations up north.