Dear Auntie Kate:First of all I just want to say that I am not attracted to any of my cousins. However, my new wife certainly thinks so. The situation happened at our wedding. I danced with one my female cousins, which I thought was perfectly normal. My wife accused me of having a deep attraction for her and who knows what else she thought. Anyhow, I was pretty upset about this. My wife has since apologized, but the whole thing still blows my mind. I think this goes beyond my cousin. My wife is a little on the jealous side and gets jealous if I come into contact with anyone of the opposite sex. She doesn't like me talking to my sister all that much. It just tends to be a little uncomfortable at times. Also, I feel she doesn't think to highly of me if dancing with my cousins is going to turn into something more. I know you support cousins in relationships, but I think it's a little creepy myself. Considering there is a lot of women in the world...and it makes no sense to start hitting on your family. I'm going off on a tangent. Anyhow, if you have any reasoning on why my wife acts this way or if I'm doing something wrong, please let me know. I'll check your web page for a response.
Thank you,
A little frustrated
Dear Frustrated,
Oh my - the ugly green monster has reared its head! And so early in your fresh, squeaky clean marriage! How frustrating AND frightening!
F, it seems you and your wife's views on the eligibility of cousins for intimacy differs. No mind, you've both promised to be only with each other. As a freshly minted husband, it should be your desire to make sure your wife has every secure, warm and trusting feeling in that regard. It is certainly your duty, and writing to your old auntie shows that you are taking it seriously.
Now sometimes F, women have a little sixth sense that quietly screams at them when they see even impercievable little behavioral traits. For example, I know a woman who told her brother he was gay - while he was happily married! Sure enough, pretty soon he was watching football one afternoon and... well, like you, I digress. It will suffice to say that the story was related to me in a manner that caused some blushes and embarrassment. What I intend to convey is that really may be intuitively seeing hints of some latent desire for other women (or your cousin) in your behavior.
On the other hand, F, sometimes women are simply insecure. Take your auntie's advice and stay away from physical and social contact with other women unless your wife is present and controls the activities. I know it seems silly, but if she is one of the insecure, she'll need this to make her feel like you have taken your vows and promises seriously. Give her a chance to feel at home with her new status and role in life. Men sometimes see marrying their girlfriend as natural and just another step down the same path. Women are often raised to make their marriage the pivotal point in their lives, and define themselves as completely different persons after the vows. It does take a while for everyone's expectations to settle down. In the successful marriages they do.
F, if this is an incident I wouldn't worry one little bit. If
after a year or so you are under constant undeserved suspicion, I would
march your bride down the isle of the nearest marriage counseling office
for some coaching on how to make a marriage work. In the interim, you just
love her with all your heart and treat her like the treasure she really
is.
Your
Aunt Kate
www.cousincouples.com and Auntie Kate are supported entirely by
the efforts of private individuals. Your US dollar contribution,
payable
to "Auntie Kate" can be sent to her attention at Suite #1006, 48
Par-La-Ville Rd., Hamilton, Bermuda. Contributions will be used
to defer
the costs of maintaining www.cousincouples.com and similar activities.