Dear Auntie Kate:

Dear Major,

Yes, you do have a major problem on your hands, and no, you are not crazy. First to answer your questions let me say that your cousin does really like you. Take Kate's word for it. Yes, it is hormones. But, it is also an affection born of familiarity and close, trusted contact.

You are right in saying you may be a "safe" companion and she knows she is unlikely to become too romantically involved.  You are both wrong in assuming that that assumption is true. (*emhem*) Please believe your Aunt Kate that romance and physical intimacy between cousins, even under watchful eyes, is more than a remote possibility.  If you take affection, desire, proximity and attraction, then supercharge the mix with confused emotional states and hormones, you will get sex. I promise. (Oh goodness I am bold this evening. What did they put in my after dinner tea?)

My advice, sir, is to buck up and be the sensitive and responsible gentleman you appear to be in your letter.  Tell your adolescent cousin that you think her affection for you is really sweet, and that you will be her buddy and companion without reservation. You should also tell her that the condition to continuing your relationship is that you may never be alone together again until she is of the age of consent in your state. Tell her that you feel the affection and desire that she does but that you are adult and must act responsibly, then kiss her good-bye one time above the neckline and never again let yourself feel sexual desire for her as a minor.  Look forward to having a chaperone or friend present whenever you see her for the next two or three years. Once she has reached the age of consent, you might want to reevaluate the relationship (and the chaperone).

M, many of my readers would disagree with what I am about to say, but love isn't simply a feeling that happens to you. Yes, love can engender the feeling you are experiencing, but that feeling itself isn't love.  Kate believes that love is an action. It is something you do. Like help. Imagine yourself saying to your cousin, "I help you."  Then, whenever she needs affection, support or encouragement in the frightenly rocky road of late adolescence, help her. That would be a constructive, and lovely method of saying "I love you" to this girl.  Although "love" doesn't necessarily mean "help" per se, I truly believe that the two words are intended to function the same way in our language.  Loving doesn't just happen to you, it is an action you perform.  Sadly for we romantics who live to throw all responsibilities to the wind and leap to places no man (or woman) has gone before, love is permanently welded to responsibility and commitment. Strangely, it's only scotch taped to the flood of emotions that happen when the love gates first burst open.

So, M, about this engagement, are you serious about it?  In Kate's day it "breach of promise" was an actionable offense, and could get one sued for both direct and consequential damages.  Have you broken off this engagement?  If not, you should consider taking premarital counseling with your bride before you both make any irreversible life decisions.  Or, M, you might be simply panicking and looking forward to a life of marital bliss with a few little reservations. A delicious, willing and flirtatious little cousin could turn a few butterflies in any red blooded man's tummy into bats in his belfry!

Sorry sweetie pie, you'll have to sort all that out for yourself.  What did that famous American southern gentleman say a few years ago? I think it was, "I have sinned. I have lusted in my heart."  Wasn't it that nice Mr. Carter fellow who had the big peanut farm?

Major, I assure you if you think this out and act responsibly and with a little sensitivity, you won't loose any friends. You have a life long relationship with your little cousin dear and she'll remember her adolescent crush for many years. For not violating your position of trust she will remember you even more fondly.
 
 

Your
 

Aunt Kate