Dear Auntie Kate:I am a 40-yr-old married woman with 2 young children who has been in love with my first cousin since a passionate summer of discovery when we were teenagers. After many many years of not being in touch at all, both of us marrying others and having children, both of us terribly unhappy in our marriages and recently finding each other again, we find that our love, respect, and passion for each other is alive. My cousin is going through a divorce right now, and I'm at the early stages of negotiating a separation from my husband. The problem is that my husband says he's disgusted by my choice of extra-marital affair partner, and although he can't stop me from leaving him, he can keep me from taking the kids into this "disgusting" relationship. At the very least, he swears he'll get court orders to keep the children away from my cousin. We have no plans to remarry or have any more children, but I want to introduce my cousin to my kids (and my friends) as my! love, eventually, and have him around my kids as a loving, male figure who cares about them (on 2 fronts!). Should I force this issue with my husband, or is he right? ie, Should I consider this relationship "not right" and keep it hidden from my children.
Dearest:
Oh dear heart, what a story. Take Kate's advice, get a good lawyer. Get a lawyer with teeth and the implication will be that you may unleash him if you are not treated correctly and with dignity. But, don't unleash him if you can avoid it. The sweetness of victory is brief, the bitterness of battle is long lasting. I think dear, in most of the US conjugal relations between consenting adults are completely legal and no reason for loss of custody. Kate's very limited experience with family law is that a mother will get custody of children unless she can be proved to be morally bankrupt and a bad influence on her children. This would mean drug addiction, incarceration in state correctional facilities, or obvious residence as an employee of a house of ill repute.
I am sure dearest that you a wonderful mother and despite your hubby's visceral reaction against your choice of extra-marital partner, you won't loose your children. Take a moment honey, sit back and have a cup of piping hot orange pekoe to help soothe your worries. All will be fine. Just relax and take a deep breath. Unless your cousin is a convicted child molester, court orders distancing him from your children are extremely unlikely. Yes dear, you should find a good attorney and be completely frank with him. I am sure he will give you this same reassurance.
Now that I have you sitting down it is time for the bad news. If you've read my letters you must know that I believe children have a right to grow up without becoming pawns in battles between their parents. I am pleased that you seem to espouse this value as well. You know children need unconditional love, support and nurturing. They do not need to be pulled in all directions by embittered spouses doing their best to defeat each other in a cruel game of words. So, I have to suggest that you do not make your cousin a "significant other" in your children's life until you have completed separation formalities with your husband. Dear, if you have waited twenty or more years, a few more months of anticipation and delicious little dates only for mom will just heighten the delight when you can introduce him as the man that they will learn to love and respect. In the interim, giving your ex ammunition against the one you love and the one that you are encouraging your children to love will only hurt them. Sorry dear, that's what your Aunt Kate feels. Once you have settled your own battles, you can make your kids part of your new relationship.
You sound like you have both some sadness and some joy ahead. You just love those kids to bits. That long lost lover will be just the perfect thing to help you on the path to emotional recovery from the trauma you are having.
Your
Aunt Kate
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