Dear Auntie Kate:

appears: anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Well, Aunt Kate usually deals with relationships between cousins, but dear, your letter was so sweet and raised such important issues that I thought I would make sure it was answered for you.

I do know that marriage in India is not the individual decision that it is in North America, but I will tell you what I think about marriage in general and can write back to tell me if our values are similar to yours.

There are a few ideals in a western marriage that we strive to attain. The couple should love each other. They should respect each other. They should actively strive to build a life together as a common goal.  My friends probably think that I am just a conservative old woman and that my opinions are too old fashioned, but I also believe that people of similar religion, family values and background have the best chance of a successful marriage. Also, those who are educated to roughly the same level and who have comparable economic resources to bring to the marriage have a better chance of success. And of course, even here in the west where the extended family is not as important in daily life as is in India, having the emotional support of family from both sides is important and even more important if the couple is young.  And dear, at the age of twenty, you are young. Believe your old auntie, you are young.

So yes, I think it would be nice you had the approval of your parents for your marriage to Jatin.

Now, let's talk about you and your sweetheart.

You say three things in your letter that make me cautious about your relationship with Jatin. First, you describe him as moody. Before you marry Jatin, you must be one hundred percent certain that he will never shout at you, strike you, or treat you as anything but the treasure you are. Sometimes here in the west we use the word "moody" to describe sullen men who do not have the emotional skill to deal with anger or frustration without using violence or abuse. No young woman, Nat, must enter into a marriage with such a man. There is a very predictable cycle of charm and sweetness, then sullen non communicative behavior that is followed by rage and abuse, then followed by apologies, excuses, sweetness and promises that it will never happen again. In every relationship frustration and anger happen, but it is never right to take them out on the ones you love. Men with this problem are never safe, happy husbands no matter how sweet they are. Please be certain that your Jatin will not be one of them.

The second thing I caution you about is nagging. Men often accuse women of nagging whenever they express their own opinions or pressure men to be responsible about the day to day details of life. Sometimes men are just being stubborn and not talking when they should, and sometimes women are simply trying to force their men to do what they want. Being an old woman myself, I know that engaging  in nagging behavior can be very destructive to marital communication. I know as well that nagging is often the justification used by men to abuse or beat their wives when they can't handle life's frustrations. It is a woman's strategy that actually enables, or makes the abusive situation worse. So please, Nat, don't fall into this trap.  If you have something important to say to Jatin, say it and make sure he takes it seriously, but don't nag him.

And finally, I read that your true love has recently lost his father. It is always hard when we lose a loved one. People are depressed or emotionally upset for as long as a year afterwards. But dear, if I were you and decided to have a life long relationship with Jatin, before I was married I would secure his agreement to go with you to his doctor to speak about his moodiness and depression. He may just be upset at the tragic loss of his father, but if the doctor advises that he is likely to be clinically depressed over the duration of his life, you will know what to expect. This isn't the tragedy it used to be, drug treatments are very effective for people who suffer such problems. It is nice though, to know what you are getting into before making lifetime promises.

In all of these, dearest one, remember that the emotional habits of your youth will be the emotional habits you live by forever. As a couple you must develop strong, supportive and loving ways of behaving with each other if your marriage is to be successful and happy.

So dear Nat, I'm sure that has all been very hard reading and unpleasant as well. I'm so sorry, I just feel so strongly that every young woman should be loved and treated well by her husband. It is the one area where we can all have the very best in life, no matter what our background or circumstances. No amount of money can buy love, respect and kindness. They are such beautiful gifts to give, they are what we expect of our life long partner and love. You know Nat that that is what your parents want for you.

Yes, dear if you do love Jatin, and you are comfortable that you have thought about the these things, marry him. If he is a sweet man as you say, you will both have a treasure for life and be so happy together.

Your
 

Aunt Kate