Dear Auntie Kate:

Dear CB,

Well, congratulations on a wonderful, successful marriage. Your
relatives should be proud that you have so thrived and added such
wonderful children and grandchildren to the family. Your parents and
siblings should be proud that you care enough about your aging parents
to come home to be with them in their later years.

You can tell your sister-in-law that you value your privacy. No, you
don't have a dark secret or anything, just that your relationship is
not your or her church's business.  You sound like a great mom,
grandmom, daughter and member of your church. And you are conciencious
about all of those important roles in your life.  As you have pointed
out, there is no need for you to be prosecuted or persecuted for a
controversial decision made 25 years ago, so a little privacy might be
a good thing.

Once you have communicated that, let your sister-in-law know that you
won't discuss the issue with her further, nor will you be made to feel
guilty or sinful or strange. Whether or not she is not going to accept
your marriage after 25 wonderful and successful years, you simply
won't permit her to raise the issue. Her judgement or embarassment
about your marriage is irrelevant. Then never let what she says about
your cousin marriage effect you again.

Now dear, on the topic of your church. Churches can be notoriously
narrow minded. On the other hand, churches are supposed to be that
institution that forgives and forgets the past so we can build new
Christian lives as a community.  If you are concerned I would approach
your pastor privately. Tell him that you expect him to hold your
conversation in confidence. Tell him that you are concerned that your
sister-in-law is embarassed by your marriage. Relate that you married
your cousin 25 years ago, have wonderful children and grand children,
and want to be an active and vibrant member of his congregation. Your
pastor is ethically bound to keep this confidence. He will also tell
you if the church will welcome you at worship, or not. IF they don't
welcome you, well, you don't want to belong to that kind of church.
It is also your minister's job to exercise leadership.  He should be
able to keep third party questions and gossip at bay, at least in an
informal way. Again, if he says you are welcome he is ethically bound
to do that for you.

Oh dear, you do seem to have the life that so many young cousin
couples so desire!  I do hope this little wrinkle gets ironed out.

God be with you dear,

Your

Aunt Kate