Dear Auntie Kate:

My wife and her married first cousin are having an affair.  My
wife and I have four wonderful children, and I don't want to
loose that.  I just don't think it is right for my children to
see her cousin spending the night in the same bed with their
mother.  Once we are divorced, I really don't care who she dates,
or gets married to.  All that I care about are those four great
kids.  Am I being unreasonable when I ask my soon to be ex-wife
not to date her cousin when the kids are around?  Based on this
sight, I would think that you would be for the relationship, but
most of society would not agree.  I hope I am wrong about your answer.

Dear Hubby,

Oh my, I fear I have been misunderstood yet again. No, dear you are not
being unreasonable.

If you read through my old letters you would see that almost without fail, I
recommend that people honour their committments to spouses. Both other
peoples, and their own.  Even more so, I am a strong children's advocate. I
believe that children should be treated in the most loving and humane manner
possible. This is so important when those responsible for their happiness
and welfare fall into unusual relationships.

Usually I recommend that those thinking of leaving a marriage take couseling
and make every effort to avoid a relationship that would damage the lives of
their children and spouse.

However, I am sure you agree with me that there are times in life when an
existing situation becomes untenable. In a marriage, particularly one with
children this is always sad.  From your letter I can't tell if your marriage
is intact or not, but it makes little difference to my advice.

If you are in the process of disolving your marriage, until your children's
lives settle down and are normalized, I agree with you that they should not
see evidence of your wife sleeping with her lover. If your marriage is going
to continue, I agree that they should never see their mother in a
compromising position with another man. In my opinion it is a matter of
propriety and discretion, unrelated to her lover being her cousin.

In her defence, dear, I will say that sometimes a "cast all cares to the
wind" passion does seize one and all discretion and consideration seem to
vanish.  A little gracious apeal to modesty on your part may help restore
it.

If your marriage is at a stage where it will not recover, or if you are
tolerating this behaviour from your wife, why not offer to take the children
for the occasional weekend? That way you could spend a little quality time
with them while she does the same with her friend. There's no need to
moralize or start a pattern of negative imprinting with your kids. Just use
your natural tact and affection to help them understand that you love them,
no matter, and that sometimes people need a little privacy to be themselves
and to be happy.

I am so sincerely sorry to year your story. I do hope your general opinion
of cousins in love isn't formed by one couple's indiscretion.
 

Your

Aunt Kate