Dear Auntie Kate:

I'm torn between the unbelievable synergy of the relationship (the oneness, love, acceptance), and the social stigma attached. Given the good work I've done so far in my own life (stable, content, professional), a part of me feels I would have "failed" in some way if I chose to make a life long commitment to my cousin, like I couldn't "cut it" in the real world. Finger pointing and snickering would take it's toll (Did you hear she married her first cousin?)

Having grown up around "secrets," I feel I would be perpetuating a destructive pattern of my childhood by surrounding my adult life with this big secret (although people will find out). It especially concerns me to bring children into the picture. Imagine what "family tree" day would be like to a child produced by first cousins. I would be setting my own child up to carry a big secret, if I even had the guts to give birth given my fear of passing on undesirable "recessive genes."

I am torn between the deepest love of my life, and the social/genetic difficulties included with the deepest love of my life. I look forward to your thoughts.
 

Dear One,

You are experiencing the angst all young women do at your point in life, and on top of it you're having a cousin couple crisis to boot!

What a mixed bag of issues to sort out.. let me see if I can provide just a little reassurance.

First, there are no biological considerations in having children by your cousin. Read the pages and of course my letters and you will see a lot of discussion on the issue. Your chances of  passing problems to children are very, very mildly increased by a relationship of this nature. You should order the book Forbidden Relatives. You will find an Amazon reference on these www pages.

Socially, you will find that your closest friends may be divided over the efficacy of such a relationship, but those that remain by your side will still be your closest friends. At the starting point of a formal relationship you gain the support of your husband's close circle of friends. Your gains will outweigh your losses. Your Aunt Kate promises. Once you are married, you will likely have more and closer intimate friends than ever before.

You know, as every tittering girl points out, "She married her COUSIN!", there is bound to be one there to say for you, "but I see why!" Now, most young women of spirit have just a little delight in scandal, don't they? Haven't you ever worn some ghastly shade of nail polish, or lightly too short mini for surprise and scandal effect? Surely you have. Cousin marriage falls in the same category of scandal. People are mildly titillated and briefly scandalized, and soon dismiss it as cute. The novelty of discovery wears off. Have fun with the scandal, and it won't take a toll. It will be come a nonevent.

Dear, you seem to be very caught up in the social consequences of such a marriage. From your letter and your writing style I have the impression that you are a single, successful professional woman. At this point in your life don't you think your  colleagues and social world would grant you some courtesy, based on your successes? Surely they would. Turn to your heart, your accomplishments and your husband for your affirmation. You'd be surprised how comforting it is to be praised for your true successes by the one you love most.

And childhood secrets - what an interesting topic. Many families bear such burdens. A good discussion of the difference between secrecy and privacy with children goes such a long way. Shameful secrets are often guiltily kept and carried as a burden. Privacy is a right. Exercising it builds character and strength.

My best four words of advice dear? Abandon vanity. Be happy. It is no failure for a woman to meet a man she loves, to marry him. It is no failure for a woman to build a happy, successful personal and professional life with the support of a loving partner. It is no failure for a woman to support a successful man in his personal, and professional life. Those feminist fallacies come from half a generation ago. A much greater failure would be to meet such a man and succumb to social pressure not to marry him, if that is what your hearts desire. That is a truth from the heart that will never change.

I do hope I have been of some help and encouragement. Do be brave. Do be proud of him. Do love him.

Your

Aunt Kate