Dear Auntie Kate:

I am a 24 year old guy who is deeply in love with my 21 year old cousin I met when vacationing in Mexico.  She has those same feelings but things got complicated.  Her drug addict ex came back and that confused her.  On top of that, she is scared of losing her family over our relationship.  She's had a messed up life.  She was abused sexually by an uncle, the thing with her ex-boyfriend was still hurting her, and it didn't seem that her father really cared about her, only money.  I can accept not being able to be with her, but I don't want to see her hurt anymore.  I know if I brought her to live with me, things would be better, but she has to want it. We did have sex during my trips.  What can I tell her so she knows how I feel about everything?  I will be going over there in a few months and I want to know what direction to go in with her.  I just don't want her life to get any more messed up than it is or am I just making it worse? When I call her every month,  she tells me that she sometimes thinks I'm the only person who really cares about her.  I'm so confused.

Dear 24,,

I think you are sweet to fall for your sweet little cousin so, but dear I have a few words of significant advice for you.

The first thing necessary is for this young woman to realize that her life will continue as it is, misery included until she makes a decision to change it.  Once that is done, she will need to leave her abusive environment.  You may have a role to play there. You can offer, but don't demand.

Love her, please do. If and when it becomes appropriate, build a life with her and don't worry about the petty things that you've mentioned as impediments.

Be her friend and support. Be her love and her heart but dear and help her solve her problems. But, don't make the mistake of thinking you can solve them for her.

Encourage her to march down to the first good psychological counselor that she can find. If necessary, you find one for her. This young woman needs someone who is professionally qualified to help her learn how to live with a life of sexual abuse, codependency and abandonment. She also needs someone who cares and loves her enough to get her that help. If that may mean getting her out of one home and into another.

Dear, I know you love her.  You will do the right thing.

Your

Aunt Kate