Dear Auntie Kate:

Being involved with one's cousin creates a whole spectrum of interesting albeit challenging dynamics... foremost when things go array. I presently ended a three-year long relationship with my cousin. A relationship that resulted in a daughter and much distress for everyone. Not that my daughter (/second cousin *smile*) was the issue, more because of family members in our huge extended families having to take up sides. Yikes? Not only that when the relationship goes bad and ends you're former lover or whatever is still going to be around at family functions, etc. I guess my question is how would you appease such a large family who are caught in the middle looking very much like spectators at a tennis match?

Dearest Rusty,

Oh dear, Kate does love tennis!  Almost as much as a wedding!  Those handsome young men all dressed in white. Except for that American fellow, what's his name(?) always throwing things and shouting.

Yes, yes, where was I...

Oh yes, family function tennis.

Well, even at tennis matches no one gets as much respect as those dressed appropriately who respect the decorum and play by the rules.  And in your case Rusty, I would be a perfect gentleman and concerned father in as much as it was acceptable to your ex.  I would make a prior agreement with her to behave civilly and with one front in the face of the relatives, or for you to alternate and only one to show up at any single function.  Of course, the first option is much preferable. It would be very rude to put your family in the middle and bend their ears with what is a prikvate matter between you and your cousin. Of course they have an interest and a concern, that's why they are interested. They just want to see the right things done.  Appease them.  Do the right things.

If you read my letters Rusty, you will see that I caution cousin couples with the warning that they will be cousins for life, whether or not their status as lovers or spouses changes.

Treat your cousin as an intimate family member, even if there is history or baggage.  You will have family until you leave this world. You are smart to be loving, loyal and do the right things in their eyes.

Your

Aunt Kate