Dear Auntie Kate:

We have had several intimate encounters within the past two years and really don't know what to do.  I am 22 and my cousin is 32. He has never been married because he says he hasn't found the one.  Could I be that one?  Last week we watched movies at his house (he lives 15 minutes from me) and he told me he missed me and that I am the only girl that he has ever loved.  I don't know what to do.  I have cried myself to sleep and done extensive research on the issue.  I have read the book Forbidden Relatives which is a great book for understanding the history, laws of the states, birth defect risk, etc. about first cousin marriages, but I just don't know where to go from here.  I am catholic and know it is against my religion to marry a first cousin.  I love him very much but I don't want to hurt myself any further if this is something that can't happen.  We have never talked about actually having a relationship because we always thought it was out of the question which he still!
 

Dear Intimate Cousin,

The dynamics of cousin relationships are complicated and fraught with the perils of fear, inhibition and taboo.  Dear, I almost always encourage my correspondents, but you I feel I must caution.

Now, no young woman of twenty two is a child.  But young women of twenty two have the most glorious years ahead of them. Courting, marriage, motherhood, maturity all yet to come and all so wonderful to live.  You are so right to question whether or not this relationship can happen.

Your age difference is not so important, from my perspective. We at cousincouples.com know that cousin marriages do work, and are often wildly successful so yes, it is possible.

What is important seems to be the differences in your desire, or level of commitment to making it happen. That is a classic difference in approach between men and women. Men indulge in relationships and women invest in relationships.  In cousin relationships, often both he and she are simply indulging because of the taboos.  I have a little inkling that you were indulging, and are making a conscious decision that it is time to invest, or abandon.

Do guard your heart dear.  There is nothing like a tete a tete with direct and serious questions and answers to establish the ground rules for a relationship.

Tell your cousin you won't love him less, no matter what he answers.  It is true, I am sure.  Then ask him if he will peruse a permanent, traditional couple relationship you, despite the odds.  If he has his doubts, ask him to come to an answer in the next month. If he can't, or if he won't then you know where you are.

Best luck dear.  Hold your heart close and don't let it be bruised more than is necessary.  A little bruising is enough.

Your

Aunt Kate