Dear Auntie Kate:

We are so very much alike and have both been through some very difficult relationships and situations.  We have a very strong bond with each other and alot of chemistry between us.

We have made beautiful love together and have discussed possibilities of our relationship and even moving, but have both agreed to keep our relationship "secret" until we know where it might lead. I truly feel like I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but he has some issues he's dealing with because of past relationships and wants to go much slower at this than I do.  I'm very open with my feelings but he holds his back alot.  The fact that we've even talked about moving away together makes me believe we feel the same way towards each other.

We both feel like it will shock our families when/if we tell them, but hope they will stand behind us and support us when they know how happy we are together. We have been together in family activities and have lots of fun, but hide the kissing until we are out of their sight...I think we just appear as two close cousins who enjoy each other.

I know my 19 year old would disapprove of our relationship and we worry about how it will affect our children....would they get caught in a position of having to explain our relationship?  We live in a small rural community where most people know each other, but we've been apart long enough that most people don't know we're related yet (except our families)...news spreads fast around here. As I said earlier...we've even discussed moving somewhere else, to be away from the criticism we feel we'll get.  We do live in a state where cousin marriages are NOT allowed.

Please give me any advice you can on our situation to help myself and help my cuz deal with our fears. PS...I have ordered the book "Forbidden Relatives" hoping it will help in some way.
 
 

Dear P,

How modern! And now nice to have a little warmth, love and indulgence fall into your life. You have my applause for being the single mother of all those children. My goodness, how do you possibly manage?

P dearest, I do think you have a very level head on your shoulders. Certainly you must with all you have on your hands. You are wise to keep a low key, private relationship until you know where you are going.

That your man recognizes that he has issues to deal with is very positive. You can play two enabling roles with that process. One is very positive, the other is not.  Hold his hand, encourage him to deal with the practical and emotional sides of these issues. Love him. Be supportive and encouraging.  Tell him that psychological or social counseling is often a help dealing with the grief and guilt of failed marriage. Whenever you get a chance, hold him close. Now, be a little careful dear. Don't enable him to continue with grief or with a destructive lifestyle by supporting him in failure and guilt. I'm not being negative sweetie, just encouraging you to be on your toes.  When any of us get down we have a tendency to (rightly) rely on the ones we love for support. I'm just saying that such support should be positive and constructive to getting back on our feet.

With eight children, you will be quite a public family. It's hard to be really private when you have so many who have friends and confidants.  If you have the means, you may want to consider a move to a larger city or at least another rural area. Children can be quite cruel, and with so many of them to care about it could be a real issue for you.  If that's not feasible, well dear, it's nobody's business but your own.

I do hope I've been able to bring some small insights and comforts!

Your

Aunt Kate