Dear Auntie Kate:

Our relationship was in the closet, so we think, but I feel that more of our family knew what really was going on.  After 6 years of living together, our problems with our relationship as lovers not cousins finally took a toll on us. We couldn't let this destroy our kinship, so for the last 2 years we have lived apart (in different states).   We still love each other, and still see each other on occassions. When I do see him, we do have physical contact and I usually end up in this emotional turmoil and it takes me weeks to recover. I still love him and want to be with him. My Question to you is: How can I explain, or what literature is there that I can give to him, to let him know that our emotions are real and this is not as taboo as he may envision?

Signed: Clearly Confused

Dear "Clearly Confused",

Oh dear, what a horrid end there could be to such a sweet and delicious relationship!

You have, dear the perfect little situation!  You've lived together for six years, with family approval or at worst with them turning a blind eye.  And to think of it!  Like that little sweetie what's her name - from Flushing, Queens... on the television.  Everyone was just so delighted when she finally married that priggish English fellow.  I think dear, you are in just the same situation but nobody but your Aunt Kate is willing to tell you.  Everyone in the world would cheer you if you were to marry. Don't let this fellow kid himself.  Everyone already knows that the second bedroom is for show and tell purposes.

Now, you said you had problems as lovers. I hope they weren't insurmountable.  Dear, every couple has problems.  You two, living behind a facade, with children, with secrets, with travel, have dealt with extra stress and burdens on your relationship.  That you were successful for six years is quite a testimony to your commitment.  Make yourself comfortable that a permanent relationship with this fellow wouldn't be a permanent problem. If you can be manage that, then full speed ahead.

Literature?  Give your cousin a copy of "Forbidden Relatives". You can track it down by clicking on the MISC. button. KC's pages and message board are a great resource for peer counseling and support.

Now, may I make a suggestion, dear?  Oh of course I can, or you wouldn't have written me!

If you want this man to be your life partner, tell him so.  The next time you meet with this gentleman, discuss whatever problems you had as lovers, but make sure not to let the conversation degenerate to blaming or slinging.  Tell him that you can fix or live with the problems.  Tel him that you want to live with him. Tell him that enough sadness, confusion and grief have fallen into your life already.  Tell him that you want to be happy.  Tell him that you want to do the right thing for him, for yourself
and those two fine young 2nd cousins.  And tell him that you would marry him in a minute, if he would ask.  Then dear, tell him that you are not wearing underwear, but that he can't find out for certain unless he wants to do the right thing too.

If he doesn't step up to bat, abandon him as a lover until he sees the light of day.  You sound like such a sweet thing - you don't need to be tumbled into turmoil for weeks every time he needs tension therapy without commitment.  He sounds like a strong, bold fellow. I'm sure he will understand completely.

Best luck dear!  Send the rest of your story as it happens!
 

Your
 

Aunt Kate