Dear Auntie Kate:

He's just beginning a divorce, because several months ago he finally found someone he says makes him feel (almost)  like I made him feel. (This is his 2nd marriage). I've been married 14 yrs. and have 2 kids. I was not happy in this marriage before we renewed our "friendship", and have thought of leaving for years.  I only stay for the kids.  My cousin says he wants to be with his girlfriend, but also keeps telling me that he still loves me and always will and he wonders what it would have been like for us.

We've been e-mailing and chatting for several weeks now, and this has included a lot of "sex talk". I want to see him so bad, but I think he'll turn me down because he's afraid of renewing the pain we both felt years ago.  I've been going crazy since this started.  I still love him very much.Neither of us ever has found what we had with each other.  Even with his new girlfriend, he says it's not quite the same. We have discussed how we both know we  should have been together and wish that things had been different back then.

 I feel that no matter what I do now, my heart is going to be broken - again.  I don't want to lose him from my life again, but even if he didn't have this girlfriend, I don't see how we could be together.
I couldn't take my kids to another state away from their father.  Do you see any way I can keep him in my life and not have my heart broken?  I need some quick advice.

Appears: anonymous

Dear Quickie,

Oh how Kate's heart longs for a night that would be remembered for sixteen years.

Q dear, many of us make do in life because we think we can only touch the sky in our dreams. Sometimes it's because we're pragmatists instead of romantics. Sometimes it's because we have commitments we hold sacred and more important than our dreams. Sometimes it's simply lack of fortitude.

When I read your sad story, with it's wonderful moments of joy, I think how life can sometimes catch us off guard with images and flashes of the things that could have been.

I think your cousin is going through a hard time. Any woman would be foolish to marry him at the moment. He is leaving one spouse to marry a second but is already longing for you. If he was my correspondent, I would advise him to cool his heals and let his life and emotions settle a bit before making many more life altering changes. Particularly ones that involve the hearts and lives of folks he thinks he loves.

Dear, if your commitments won't let you make this love real, don't linger on and let the frustrated dream become a festering sore on your happiness. Don't communicate the same false dream to your cousin and allow him to believe that the current love of his life is second fiddle to a dream that will never be real.

Usually dear, I would recommend that you tell this cousin sweetly that you can never be with him and kiss him good-bye. All wounds heal with time, even broken hearts.  Putting frustration behind you would be good for your emotional health.  But you want to continue to keep this man in your life. Lord knows why!  Remember that he has made commitments to another. And another.  If you must stay, stay only as his confident and buddy. If you are not willing to play the bad girl in a series of doomed relationships, with all the bruising and hurtfulness that bad girls receive, keep your kisses and wishes and sex chat to yourself.  On the other hand dear, not that I would know, they do say that bad girls have more fun.

I close with my self preservation instincts screaming on your behalf.
 

Your
 

Aunt Kate